


Losing Everything

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Character Death, Dead Dan Howell, Implied Relationships, M/M, Sad Phil Lester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 14:26:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17868980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Sometimes in a moment, everything changes. Sometimes you say things that you'll never be able to take back. Sometimes the people you love are taken from you in one quick moment.This was the case for Phil Lester.





	Losing Everything

"You're such an idiot Phil!" Dan rolled his eyes.

"Don't you yell at me! I'm tired of this!" I had had enough of this, that much was true.

"I'm tired of you!"

My heart broke at those words from Dan.

"Get out. I never want to see you again," my tone was harsh as I glared at him. I truly was tired of Dan yelling at me all the time. It was time for a break.

"Fine!" Stomps were heard, the door creaked open and was slammed shut.

Tears were running down my face as I sat there a moment. We were best friends. We weren't supposed to fight like this. 

I stood up and hurried after him. "Dan wait!" I called rushing through the house. "I'm sorry."

Silence. Frantic horns and the screech of a car's tires answered me.

I opened the front door and looked out.

Totaled car. People exiting the vehicle. Someone calling 999.

And then there was a body in the road. Tall. Curly brown hair. Wearing all black that was splattered... with blood.

It couldn't be. It was.

■

Killed upon impact was the dreaded words that hadn't sunk in yet. Visions of doctors asking me about his parents. I gave them my phone to get the number.People saying that they were so sorry that they didn't see him. Asking me if there was something they could do. Everything was a blur.

Mr. and Mrs. Howell showed up at one point. Mr. Howell was numb like me while Mrs. Howell cried silently.

They hadn't told the rest of Dan's family.

At one point I remember texting Pj and asking if I could stay the night. He picked me up, not saying a word. He could tell there was something wrong with me but didn't know. He didn't know that Dan was...

It hadn't set in yet for me.

■  
"Dan's dead." I said, over a week later to Pj.

He glanced up, in shock like I had been. I wondered if he was completely numb like me yet.

"I'm here for you Phil," he walked over to me after putting the teapot down. "I'm here."

"Dan isn't anymore." I remember forcing my mouth to say those words, that must be a lie. Dan was alive right? No I needed to accept that. But I couldn't.

■

  
People were asking when the next video was going to be up. It was supposed to be the third day of Gamingmas. Except there could be no Gamingmas without Dan.

It had been two weeks of the same routine at Pj's house. He and Sophie made sure I went through the motions of life.

All of our Youtuber friends were told. But none of the fans knew. How could I tell them?

I buried my face in the pillow in frustration. 

How could Dan be so reckless? How could he have gotten himself killed? How could he have gone and left me alone?

■

Christmas had gone and past. I was still living at Pj's. How could I go back to the flat and know that I'd never see Daniel Howell again?

I needed Dan. If I quit Youtube would he come back? What could I do to get him back? I needed him. How could there be a Dan and Phil without Dan?

■

  
In a moment it was 2018.Months went by. Pj and Sophie still took care of me. They were honestly the best friends I could wish for.

I was such an inconvenience to them. I was a worthless person who did nothing and didn't make any sort of living. I was a pathetic excuse for a person. I was the reason Dan was dead. It was all my fault. I was a horrible person.

They would probably enjoy it if I was gone.

■

  
It was around April that I finally accepted it. Dan Howell, my best friend in the entire world, was gone. And I wouldn't waste my entire life by ignoring that fact.

I moved back into the flat, ignoring Dan's room. I lived life normally, stopping myself from calling out to him. He was gone and he would've wanted me to live my life. And to tell the fans.

"New video coming soon. I apologize for the hiatus." I tweeted from my account, ignoring the people asking about Dan. 

■

I remember my Mum was there when I shot the video for moral support. Out of camera range of course but it was comforting knowing I could rely on her to be there for me.

Pj offered to edit the video. All I had to do was give him footage.

"Hey guys," I did my usual intro however today I was not smiling. "I honestly don't know how to say this. Well I guess I'll just put this bluntly." I swallowed.

"Dan died..." The words hurt as I said them. "He died on the 18th of November 2017. I apologize for not telling you guys sooner but it's taken me a while to even be up to talking to the camera."

I looked at my mum, and she offered a comforting look to me.

"He's really gone. This isn't a late April Fool's joke as I could never joke about something like this," my voice was incredibly shaky which matched how I felt honestly. "So this is the end of Dan and Phil I suppose." I couldn't finish my sentence before bursting into tears.

My mum ran over and sat next to me comforting me like I was a small child. I felt like a small child though. Helpless, alone, unsure what to do.

I was ready to resume an hour later, my mum sitting next to me in shot this time.

"Daniel Howell was," oh god the past tense made it even more real,"my best friend. He was more than that. We loved each other. And I," my voice got choked up again.

My mum rubbed a hand on my back to soothe me.

"I don't know what I'll do without him honestly. I'll try to continue this channel but give me some time. I need time." I attempted a small sad smile at the camera. "Dan may be gone but he'll never leave my heart," I finished quickly.

I turned off the camera. My mum embraced me. 

■

The video was well edited and the selection of pictures at the end playing to a slower version of Toxic made me cry.

I remembered every single moment. But I had run out of moments with Dan.

It was the perfect video although there were so many more memories I could've put in there. I uploaded it. 

■

It seemed every Youtuber had made a video for Dan. And then there was the fans. They all made videos and posts and they commented. The comments were so sweet but it made it so much more real. Dan was gone. I was alone.

■

I didn't go to Dan's funeral. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't bring myself to go honestly. I just couldn't. Even though I know I should've, I didn't.

Hazel brought over some wine and we sipped on that, not really talking much.

It was a quiet night. Martyn checked in on me after Hazel left. He stayed the night. I wasn't so alone.

■

  
I locked the door to Dan's room so I wouldn't go in there and hit another low point. I remember after that putting on High School Musical and singing along to it.

I could hear Dan singing the harmony. Was I crazy? Perhaps but I think I was just reminiscing. There it was. One of Dan's fancy vocabulary words. I could imagine him saying it in his posh camera voice. 

■

  
I started making videos again in 2019. They were not as silly. Deeper and more serious. Like Dan's were but still me.

I got a new duvet. It didn't seem right to keep the old one.

Each video had a purpose which was mostly to uplift the audience. I created a video for Dan's channel entitled Goodbye Internet officially ending it. I posted a video for Dan and Phil games officially announcing the end of that channel.

I lost thousands of followers. I didn't care. The follower count had never really mattered to me.

I never went to another vidcon. Or meet and greet. I couldn't do it without Dan.

But besides that things went back to as normal as well as they possibly could get after what happened.

After all I had lost everything. I had lost Daniel Howell who was my everything. But I would carry on. I had to. After all, the fans needed me.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this like 2 years ago and haven't edited it so forgive me if it's horrible.


End file.
